My Hope is Safe

My Hope Is Safe   

I feel my blood begin to boil.  I have seen that look in the eyes of so many doctors in recent days. I know what’s coming next and I’m not sure I can handle it….at least not very graciously. ‘He has no idea’. I admit to myself. Each new doctor I consult with begins with great hope in my heart, perhaps they will have the answers! Each visit ends with that same empty look in their eyes, and that hope crashes and shatters into a million pieces. I don’t blame the doctors or devalue their contribution to the human race. No, blame doesn’t help. “So what’s the next step?” I hear the words and moments later realize I had spoken them. He hesitates, and I will him not to speak the words.’ Remember blame doesn’t help, so don’t blame me’ I inwardly beg. As if in slow motion his lips part, I want to plug my ears, I want to walk out, his words reach me, muffled by the pounding of my heart,  “well if all these labs come back clean then we just have to go with it’s all psychosomatic.” His recommendation: counseling. There it is, he forfeits, it’s all in my head, a ploy to get attention or the symptoms of stress. He is wrong! I bite my tongue so hard it bleeds, wanting to scream, knowing it would do no good. He has already given upon me.  I can’t get out of his office fast enough.

Exhausted in every way, my head sinks into my pillow. My blood still boiling, the question rings in my ears, “why do they all give up on me?” As if in response, another question. “Have they ALL given up on you?” I roll over, tears fill my eyes as I observe my Husband laying beside me. No, He has not given up on me. He has picked me up off the floor when I have fallen, he has held me tight as my tears soaked his shirt, He has made me laugh, oh how I need to laugh. He continuously seeks answers. He walks slower, allowing to me to keep up as a hobble along. In a million different ways everyday he refuses to give up on me. He carries me. I lay marveling at this man when my thoughts turn to another man who refuses to give up on me. He also picks me up when I fall, and dries my tears when my heart aches. He holds me tight and lends me His strength. He fills my heart with joy as I experience happiness amidst the happenings. He has all the answers!  He walks beside me, allowing me to hobble along, and when my strength is gone, He carries me. I feel the pieces of my shattered hope reassemble in my heart then course through my body until I am filled. This time my hope is safe, it won’t be broken, it trusts  no more in the doctors alone, but is anchored in the hope of the Master Healer, who will not give up on me, who holds all the answers, all the peace, all the light, all joy, the greatest gift even eternal hope!!  

Another doctor, empty eyes, no answers, but this time is different. I eagerly allow my husband to enfold my hand in the strength of his own. I brace myself for the words that I know are coming, this time they will not break me. On borrowed strength I walk out of that office, the warmth of the sun kisses my face. My husband with me, my Savior beside me, my trust in the Master Healer,   my hope is safe!